The Hookup Culture

   Is such bullshit. I mean, talk about the struggle to try and actually date someone. We put ourselves in these boxes to wait for the exact right person who we think is good enough because dates are so rare we assume we just crawl out of our box when we think we find the right person and go for it. Or we just have sex and hope that doesn't ruin the whole prospect of trying to actually stay with someone. I know I've said this before, but sex when you first meet someone or when your first trying to date someone is going to go one of two ways, bad or good. You just have to wait and see if it's really worth the risk. What if we want to be that nice person who waits and doesn't want to rush anything? Well, we get screwed. Some people will consider you aren't interested because you aren't in a hurry to put a label on it, or taking it to the next level, or going to third base (whatever the hell that means now). Maybe we are just being considerate or we like to take things at our own pace, I know I'm in no rush, but that doesn't mean it's not worth the time. To quote a friend of mine, "We live in a world where hooking up is the new dating and we all feel shitty about ourselves because if we're not hooking up with someone then we think we're never going to be in a relationship. It's quite sad." I immediately read that and added it to this post because she summed up the whole point of this paragraph.

   Most of us after college are ready to be in a serious relationship, make certain moves with their lives and do what has to be done. We get seen as too available, whatever the hell that means, so people just walk on by. You would think these people want the same thing, but they are still trying to play games, have a back and forth with someone, I guess I get that whole scenario. I just don't have any desire to do that anymore, especially when we both know it usually just leads to a very awkward conversation or a one night stand. I'm not saying I'm the perfect guy, I'm more awkward than anything when it comes to trying to talk to someone. I'll never make the first move, it's a simple as that, but how often do people actually like to make the first move? I know I might sound like a member of the bitter old lady brigade, but this hookup culture we live in is stupid and half of us wouldn't be here if this the culture our parents lived in because serious relationships rarely happen from a random hookup or a drunk make out.

   We are told to put ourselves out in the world, take control of your own destiny. Well maybe we would be more inclined to do that if it paid off once in a while! I can't say I'm innocent of being part of the hookup culture at times in my adult life, but we are all human and there is that thought in the back of your mind that there is a chance something will come from this. And there is always that thought that when we are "hooking up" you're just constantly wondering what is going on in the other person's head and it's consuming this time you're having. My only advice is, ask them what the hell they are thinking about.
What have you really got to lose?

Here to say it,
postgradgay

I Was a Fool // Tegan and Sara

Is Butter A Carb?

   One of my all time favorite quotes is, "If you can't love yourself then how the hell are you supposed to love somebody else?" For those of you who don't know that quote is from RuPaul, one of my personal heroes. I've been hearing RuPaul say that on his show for years but just recently I think I finally start to understand what it means. After graduating college, having my appendix taking out, moving to a new city, making new friends and finally starting to get my life on track I've finally started to love myself. It's a daily struggle to look in the mirror and be okay with what is looking back at you and not too long ago I wasn't okay with that. Let's face it, like any gay man I have plenty of insecurities roaming around my head at all times so it's just something you have to, in light of a better term, get over it. It was the one day I told myself, get your fat ass off the couch and go get a gym membership and don't waste it like you have in the past. We all love to get gym memberships, go a couple days to feel better about ourselves and then we never see the inside of that place again. We have all done it, I know I have more than once.

   The point is, you have to be the person to motivate yourself. My parents have been telling me my whole life to do what I'm doing now but I had to be the one to tell myself because hearing it from anyone else isn't going to help. It's great to hear encouraging words and positive feedback for what you are accomplishing, but it still always will fall back on you. YOU have to make time, YOU have to find the motivation, YOU have to be willing to do it. I'm still not even there. I'm at a point where I enjoy going to the gym, I like having a salad everyone now and than and I like feeling better about myself. You think that means I'm ever going to go for a run outside? Because I just can't find a good enough reason to do that to myself. You think I'll ever meal prep and start a crazy diet? Because I'm not going to completely cut out something unhealthy I might like. I'm looking at you Chipotle.

   I know I'm no life coach, and plenty of people can go ahead and call bullshit for this post but I didn't write this to praise myself or make anyone feel bad. It's just to say if I can do it, it's safe to say pretty much anyone can and I am proud of the progress I've made. I just hope I can continue to show progress and if that inspires one person then I'm perfectly okay with that. If it doesn't, I'll still be okay with it as long as I know I'm trying my best. You just have to be willing to do the same.

Here to say it,

postgradgay

Will You Dance? // The Bird and the Bee

It's Only An Echo

   Do you ever wonder why we can't look in the mirror without pointing out ten new flaws in ourselves we find each morning? Some of them might be small like a new pimple or you're just realizing one eye is slightly bigger than the other or bigger like noticing you might want to get a nose job, or just shave your head because your hair just isn't doing what you want it to that day. The worst part is that it's our own voices talking to us when we look in the mirror, that's us just talking to ourselves and we shouldn't be doing that, put the demon to rest. We live in a world where if you ask someone to write down all the things someone loves about themselves and all of the things they want to change then that list is going to be much longer of negative qualities.

   It's not something you can do overnight, but it is something we need to work on everyday. I'm not saying this is fixed by going to the gym or redoing your wardrobe, we all will deal with a situation like this in our own ways. It's just up to you to find out which way is right for you. I know since the beginning of the year and having my scar from my appendectomy I've had to work on myself and tell that voice in my head to leave me alone and let me work on myself on my own time because little by little I am enjoying looking in the mirror. I still see flaws, things I wish I could change, just wanting to throw the mirror on the ground, but you can't because then that voice in your head wins. You just have to realize you're beautiful, just think of all the things our parents told us when we were little; "you can do anything you set your mind to, you were the best tree ever in your school play, you should have more playing time, keep up the good work." They were right and I know we don't like to admit that too often, but most of the time our parents know what they are talking about so take a page out of their book and use it in your everyday life.

   Find that other voice in your head, because it's still yours, that thinks that new outfit looks amazing on you, that realizes you have your health and your friends around you, that tells you maybe that hot guy or girl will finally talk to you. That's the voice we need to be listening to because it's the one that's going to get us forward in life and not terrify us at every job interview, first date or any other encounters we may come across in our lifetimes. Just take it 10 seconds at a time because anyone can do anything for 10 seconds, just be sure to start counting again when you reach 10.

Here to say it,

postgradgay

Memories That You Call // ODESZA

The Desire To Travel

   Wanting to travel is a common thing to desire in your 20's, especially after you graduate because this is your chance to explore. If you get that adult job you have the money to travel, or you still have all that graduation money you got from your grandparents and you want to put it to good use, so why not? We all seem to find reasons to not travel, no matter how badly we want to. For the most part the only traveling experiences we have our school trips, family vacations, and the occasional spring break to Panama City Beach, at least I think I went? All of these trips are fun, we wouldn't change a thing, and we may have learned something from them. (I'm looking at you PCB) Traveling after college is your chance to really discover a lot about the world around you and yourself while your at it. There is no reason your first big adventure should be going to Europe, travel a few hours to the next big city out of your state. Take baby steps, this might not be the vacation of your dreams but it can lead to that! You need to see how you act when you travel somewhere new. How were you at finding a place to stay, did you bring enough money, how much money did you have left over, did you enjoy the people you went with? These are things we can only learn when we experience them and there is nothing wrong with that because it's part of becoming an adult.

   You need to plan this trip a long time in advance. You want to make sure it's something you really want to do and have the time and money for because this is your time, especially if it's the big trip you've been waiting for since you moved out of your parents house. Set a long term goal of where you want to visit, put so much money aside each paycheck and book that hotel as soon as you can because you aren't going to want to turn around after already putting money down on this adventure. There is nothing like grabbing a couple friends, hopping in your car and making a random drive but this isn't Crossroads and you aren't Britney Spears so be careful whenever you make all of these plans because you need friends who are in it and there is no turning back once the trip has been planned.

   We all need to escape in some point in our lives, a trip is perfect for this but it shouldn't be for running away. It should just be to get away because there is nothing like leaving our lives for a few days, or even longer and just relax and forget about everything you have going on in your life back home because trust me, that will be waiting for you right when you get back. So will Netflix though, so you shouldn't be too stressed out about it. I know spring break is right around the corner for those of you still in school, but don't hesitate to go ahead and plan that next big trip now, who says it can't be to a beach anyway? I'm already looking forward to my first big adventure as a graduate and I know it is going to be needed by the time it gets underway. Student loans can wait just a little bit longer, can't they?

Here to say it,
postgradgay

Sun Models // ODESZA

Does Waiting Really Change Anything?

    SEX. I know it's more apparent in younger and younger age groups but I'm just focusing on our age group, us 20 somethings, because that's what I can most relate to and personally experienced growing up. There is such a stigma in talking about sex and it's such a taboo topic in conversation and I don't really get why. It's the reason we are here, so we should be able to be comfortable talking about it. Why feel so uncomfortable when someone asks you how old you were when you lost your virginity, were you in a relationship at the time, how many sexual partners have you had? Granted, these are all personal questions and you don't have to answer, but why not? Most people who know me know I'll answer just about any question you ask me, not even just revolving around sex, especially when it comes to educating someone about the LGBT community and my personal lifestyle. There is no reason to judge someone who has had multiple sexual partners, just be having safe sex, but if it is safe than who are we to judge? I would personally be rather jealous of this person and I know most people would, but who's going to admit it? I will. Virginity is a hard one, literally no pun intended, because we don't know the circumstances for anyone's situation so if they don't want to answer there is no need to pursue the answer, maybe this person will tell you when they feel more comfortable to talk about it. Sex questions are nothing to be taboo about and it's something you are definitely going to need to discuss with a sexual partner. Don't be afraid to ask if someone has been tested, if they have a condom, are they on birth control, these are important questions you have every right to know.

   Speaking of sex in relationships, that's what this post is all about, when is a good time to finally take that next step with someone? Every relationship is different and sex can mean different things to different couples so this is all just my personal opinion, like everything I write about, but this is also a blog post coming from someone who doesn't see themselves as a sexual person. Look away mom, but sex isn't something I'm not passionate about, not that I haven't done it or currently don't but like I said, everyone is different when it comes to sex. Maybe it's because I'm not in a relationship to share that bond with, who knows? Sex is something that can happen so easily nowadays before you even start to date someone, maybe sex is the spark that gets you two to talk to each other after what you thought may have been a one night stand turns into a great relationships. To quote the movie I love to quote in these posts, He's Just Not That Into You, this goes back to the someone being the exception and someone being the rule so just because someone had a one night stand and it turned into an amazing relationship does not mean it's going to happen for you too. Kudos to you all out there that have that luck because I firmly believe in the statement, "be sure to test drive the car before you buy it" but I even more firmly believe in the statement, "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" Both of these work so well when it comes to sex, so just be careful because you never know which statement someone is going for when they try and go to the next level.

   One night stands are void of this blog post because most of us have been there and that's pretty black and white unlike friends with benefits, whole other blog post, but maybe you are that couple that wants to wait until the perfect moment, not meaning marriage, but you don't want to jump in and start the relationship off with sex. Why not wait for the magical fireworks moment when you know you're in love? Nothing, so we shouldn't be judging someone just because they haven't had sex with their significant other yet because every relationship is different. We live in a world now where sex is so prevalent that we would judge someone for waiting to have sex, thanks Cosmo. In all seriousness,  I don't there could ever be a scientific study saying waiting or not waiting helps a relationship because you're going to see it different in every couple there is. You just have to decide, do you want to wait or do you trust this person enough to think something more could come from just having sex? Just never hesitate to ask the important questions, if the person doesn't want to answer then it really isn't worth the risk, but to each their own. This is the time to make mistakes, just be careful about who you make them with!

P.S. This post has nothing to do with people waiting until marriage. Kudos to you, you're the real MVP.

Here to say it,
postgradgay

What Kind of Man // Florence + The Machine

20 Somethings Are The New Adults

   Sometimes the things we need to hear come from ourselves. We are at that age, I'm assuming most of you reading this are around my age, and we wake up every day not knowing if we know for sure what we want to do with our lives or are we making the right decision with our lives. Well let me tell you, it doesn't get any easier after you graduate and I'm okay with that. We never know if what we are doing with our lives is the right thing or are we even doing a good job at being adults. I love my job and I make a "living", but do other people look at me as a server and think that I'm being an adult or making an living for myself? Probably not, and that's okay with me because this confirmation that you're doing productive things with your life has to first come within yourself. We are all ultimately working towards a goal in our lives. Becoming a college graduate, finding a "real" job, being the person we always thought we would be. This is the time in our lives we get to find out if we are becoming that person. If you're not, look how to make that original plan better, we are welcome to change plans with our lives every day.

    Whenever I wake up I do occasionally think, "Am I being a productive adult? Is there something I can do to seem more like an adult?" The answer is no, because I'm doing pretty damn well by myself already. It's a good thing that I question myself, I'm open to grow and be more open-minded to new situations and what can happen around me. I wouldn't have it any other way because I enjoy being self-aware of who I am and how to be a better person every day. I have a full time job and I can pay my bills on time, something I'm damn proud of because I know this is part of being an adult, this way part of my life as an undergraduate and I know it is the life of many other people I know as well. If you can wake up and you have your own money to pay your bills then you're doing a lot better than plenty of other people out there in the real world so enjoy having that self-confidence in yourself.

   At this point in our lives, close to graduating or already graduating we have to make the mental list of all the things we wish we could tell our younger selves so we wouldn't make all the mistakes we made growing up. The best part, we shouldn't regret any of those mistakes because it puts me in a place now where I can buy things I need, somethings I don't need, pay my rent and for the most part live a life where I am the adult in my life. I love my parents and I know if I ever need them for anything they will be there in a second, but there is a joy of not having to need them to help me with financial or life choices. I know the decisions I need to make down the road in my life and that all falls back on me, no one else. Wake up, look in the mirror each morning and see if that person is someone you are okay with being because you are welcome to change that at any point in your life. Change your degree, go get a new degree, get your master's. find a new job, move to a new city, you are the adult in your life now so it's time to take charge and make these choices based on your happiness. No one else's because you can find someone that makes you happy but your happiness ultimately relies on you because you have to be happy with yourself first.

Here to say it,
postgradgay

Numbers // FKA Twigs

I Should Delete That Song

   All this snow is happening today so I thought it would be a perfect time to write a post in the comfort of my bed and I had a friend recently who has not really talked about her ex for a while and saw a picture of him with his new girlfriend and it just brought back feelings, emotions and a topic of conversation. The point of this post, just because we say we are over someone does it mean we are?  

   When are we supposed to know we are truly over someone? I mean, it may never happen when you think about it. It can be months after a breakup and than you hear that one song you all listened to, you pass by your favorite place to eat together or something triggers a thought and it all comes rushing back. It can hit you like a brick wall when you least expect it, just when you think you are getting over that last hurdle you trip and it feels like you're just going to have to start over again. We know this tends to take time, but we don't know how much time is supposed to past. Should we feel bad if it happens sooner than we thought? People have horror stories of it taking years before they were able to move on and everyone has their own process and it doesn't mean anything about you if you are able to move on quicker than you expected. Maybe it says more about the person you were with if you are able to move on fast. What steps should we take to move on? Sometimes if you have a breakup that you both agree on then you're fine to keep following them on social media, you're okay to see them going out with someone in public or maybe even one day go on a...dare I say it, double date? Some people say you can't be friends with an ex, I can't personally speak about this because I'm not friends with any of mine, BUT I know people that are and it works just fine! There is clearly a level you can't cross if this happens and you have to make sure boundaries are set, especially when one of you gets in a new relationship because you never know if that crazy part of you is going to snap when they actually do move on.

   Than we have the couples who don't have such a perfect breakup and it ends up being a scene from Kill Bill the way you both act around each other. You don't necessarily want to seem bitter and unfollow them on social media, but if seeing them infuriates you or makes you upset then it might be what is best. There is nothing stopping you from following them back later if and when you seem ready to be updated on their life, but for now don't hesitate to take time for yourself and Pinterest inspirational quotes. Depending on the breakup you're allowed to be bitter and talk shit for a few days to your friends while we all tell you how bad of a person they were. But this goes for everyone, please only take a few days, that's all you really need. You obviously might need more time to move on and come to terms but if all you do is complain abut the person then you're never going to be able to move on so don't go overboard. As your friends we can only repeat he's a dick or she was a bitch so often to get the point across to you, but we will do it as long as you need us too. Doesn't mean we won't be there to help burn a box of their things or go out with you because you never know what a person is going through or how they are handling a situation, as best friends we just have to be there and support them.

I know not a long post this time around, but this is something that needed to be short and sweet. Plus I have to find a way to enjoy this snow today!


Here to say it,
postgradgay

What Kind Of Man // Florence + the Machine